Door Guy Chronicles - 1/5/2013

Ok, so I've missed a few updates on the Door Guy Chronicles over the last few weeks, and I apologize.  But what with the holidays and the new year and the travel; I've had a built in excuse to be late, lazy and an all around flake.

That actually might be my favorite part of the holidays.  I mean, besides people giving me things of course.

Oh, and meatsnacks - I fucking love meatsnacks.

Anyway, last weekend was the first real weekend back from all the holiday tomfoolery, and this is what I saw:

• An attractive blonde woman, somewhere in her late 30's, was propositioning men at the bar to have sex with her.  One of the bartenders even overheard her tell two guys she would let them have a threesome with her.  At one point, after several swings-and-misses, she came outside and stood right in front of me, as we faced the same direction, and made me wrap my arm around the front of her because she "was cold."  Super awkward, but I felt like I owed her some sort of "there-there" condolences.  We later came to the conclusion that she probably just found out her spouse/partner had cheated on her, and she was out for revenge.  Thoughts?
  
• A bunch of Brits were being all loud and "jolly good" and [insert British-y thing here] at closing time after a wedding and wouldn't leave the bar.  After several passes telling them to drink up, I loudly scolded "you're being rude!" - which immediately cleared the bar.  Lesson: Manners are their Achilles heel of the British person.
  
• Some dude lost a $500 umbrella (so he claims).  The fuck!?
  
• I've realized that the leather jacket is essential to being a Door Guy.  There is a noticeable difference in the level of respect I receive when I wear the leather jacket and when I don't.  And it's 1000% women.  Why does the introduction of a leather jacket turn women from bitchy, disrespectful a-holes to generally pleasant, law and rule abiding patrons?
  
• Seeking advice, a girl at the bar confided in me that she was in love with two guys.  I asked if they were both with her at the bar, and she replied that only one was there.  I told her that he was probably "the one" then.  A pretty solid conclusion I thought.  But apparently she didn't connect the dots the same way I had, then "Birthday Song" by 2 Chainz came on and I didn't give a fuck about her problems.