Stop Doing This! - 2012 Not Hot List

One of my favorite things to say to people who have some sort of fashion critique of random people around town, at the bar or on the streets is "what are you, the fashion police?"--which of course makes me a huge hypocrite because

I spend a good majority of my time in public talking or at least thinking shit about the fashion decisions of others.  It's part of the people-watching experience for me and I have to assume it is for others as well, and I love it.  So it's pretty hypocritical that one of my favorite things to randomly say to people who have some sort of fashion critique of others is "What are you, the fashion police?!"  I mean, its 100% hypocritical and absolutely makes me an asshole, but guess what, it's fun to say.  So screw it.

Seriously though, try it.  You get to take the moral and social highroad(you're sooo shallow bro), thus making the other person feel like a total dick and you usually get a laugh out of anyone else that's around.

Today, however, I AM THE FASHION POLICE.  And some of these things that you all are wearing needs to stop.

Socks peaking above the boots:
For some reason the ladies of San Francisco seem to think this is a cute way of adding some personal flair or splashing something unique onto their otherwise drab attire.  It's tacky looking, ruins any illusion of sexiness that you thought your boots might be doing for you and makes you look more like a hobo than anything.

Wedge Boots:
The seamless non-distinction from leg-to-heel-to-foot makes your foot look like a hoof.  Centaur's are not hot.

Football jerseys on grown men:
The jerseys they sell to fans aren't even cut the same way as the the jerseys worn by players so it's not like it's "just like the one" your girlfriend Tom Brady wears.  It makes you look like your big brother gave you his lucky jersey to wear during the big homecoming game.

Fancy up top, yoga pants below:
I'm a huge supporter of casual wear and I'm definitely not mad at yoga pants, god bless'em in fact.  But if you're going casual, go all the way.  Pick a lane and go with it.  You can't go business up top and yoga pants below, it's the mullet of outfits.  We all know what you did, it's lazy and the "oh I'll just throw this over some yoga pants" attitude makes me think you may not have showered.

Studded anything on dudes who aren't in metal or punk bands:
The forced, over the top "toughness" is so obvious it screams "please help! I'm very fragile".

Messy/Rollover boots:
There is nothing attractive or alluring or stylish about this boot.  It's ugly, its messy aesthetic is very unappealing to the eye and it has a very walk-of-shame-y type vibe to it.  It's very unbecoming to blindly follow trends ladies.

 

Door Guy Chronicles - 12/15/2012

There are very few other professions where you are forced to literally stand on the street and have an eye on what's going on in your immediate surroundings and one of the best parts of being a door guy is the benefit of always having your ear to the street.  It may appear that the door guy has little else to do aside from checking ID's, texting shorties and wearing sweet leather jackets; but the most important job a door guy might have is assessing any sort of trouble coming in or going out of the bar.  You need to know who's peeing where, where the wobbly drunk girl is and whether the group of aggro bro-ragers are coming in, going out or just walking on by.  And again, you need to do all this while checking ID's, refreshing your twitter feed and making sure you look super cool.  So with everything that's going on at a bar on a Friday or Saturday night, the door guy definitely has information on what's going on in the neighborhood.

So here is what I noticed:

• I walked up to start my shift and the street was blocked off.  Apparently some dude had taken his girlfriend hostage with a shotgun.  As you might imagine, the area was thick with cops and the fire department and news crews.  Luckily the badguy was apprehended and everything concluded as peaceful as possible.  Definitely the "thing" to talk about at the bar that night.
  
• SantaCon was today.  We expected a larger group of participants raging their santa-balls off during evening but I think for most it's one of those start early, end early type things.  I got a couple tastes of what was going on with SantaCon in Nob Hill and North Beach throughout the day and had three thoughts on the event: 
• Pretty underwhelmed with the level of creativity I've come to expect with these themed drink-a-thon's, where are all the SF creatives? (A: they're all in some art-collective-basement-co-op in the SOMA, SantaCon is for people who think tweeting and facebook is actually a job).
• It is only possible for me to completely love or absolutely loathe these themed drink-a-thon's and my feeling is based solely on whether I am participating or not.  I just want to be a part of the group guys! Please validate me!
• Couple fights, so so many couple fights.  I have no explanation, other than that everyone seemed to be 23 and that's what you do when you're 23.  Oh, also my new thing is blaming Fireball for everything, because seriously, it's the worst.
  
•  Notable Characters: 
• This Australian dude in skinny-pajama pants(as if that's a "thing") and a jacket getting way to touchy-feely with me just because I remembered his name.  Seriously, what is it with Australian guys?
• This guy named "J" who can best be described as being exactly like Seth Green's character in "Can't Hardly Wait", hanging out ALL NIGHT and asking me and my buddy Tommy questions like "So where are you livin' at, now?" as if he's known either of us for more than the few hours he popped in and out to interrupt with some ratchet-ass commentary
• Two dudes casually asking me where to find girls once they get their blow (A: Wreck Room)

Nob Hill Forreal's Top 10(or so) Albums of 2012 - pt.1

So I used to write for an ambitious music blog based out of Los Angeles.  I had been writing and contributing to the site since it's inception nearly four years ago and enjoyed the creative outlet as much as I enjoyed the perks, which, I assure you, were minimal. 

For the bulk of those 3+ years I was part of the four-man brain trust that made all the decisions on where the site was headed, what we wanted to do with the site and the day-to-day management of writers and content.  And yet, throughout my entire experience, I always knew I was the least qualified music geek out of all the writers and contributors.  Don't get me wrong, I love music and I sure as hell listen to a large quantity of music from across a very wide genre spectrum, perhaps to stay current, but mostly to quench my thirst for that thing that a new sound, song or artist can spark within. 

We all know a music aficionado and can describe the heard-it-first, rare-whatever, experimental nonsense, "you just don't get it" attitude that is attached to the obsession.  Which is why I always hated this time of year.

No, not the holiday-induced depression, launched by the thought of being alone the rest of my life; I've already come to terms with that, in the most logical way (booze, obviously).  No, I hate this time of year because I despised having to come up with a list of my "Top 25 Albums" of whatever year it was.

I hated reading list upon list of albums that I had never hear of, albums I thought sucked and albums that no one could have possibly thought was the best thing that anyone had done that year if it weren't already prematurely published on Pitchfork or Rolling Stone or whatever trendy music website other people read.

I hated the process of creating a "Top 25 Albums" for the site that I helped manage and I hated that three quarters of the list I helped create was artists and albums I had not listened to or would never listen to again.

And if you think publicists and management companies for these artists aren't hard at work trying to manipulate all of these "Best of" lists, you're crazy.  All throughout the day I receive email from people whose name's I know only because I get five versions of "Put Fun. on your 'Best of 2012' list" promo emails from them a day--but for like 20 different bands.  It's madness.  Stupid, stupid madness.

So, without further ado, here is my list of Top 10(or so) Albums of 2012!  

Frank Ocean - Channel Orange
I know this is a safe, easy pick that will be on everyone's "Best of" list, but screw it, I listen to this album everyday and that has to mean something.  Seriously, Frank Ocean did something awesome and unexpected here and "Pyramids" is my favorite song of the year.

Cloud Nothings - Attack On Memory
Cloud Nothings had some of the hardest guitar-driven brooding and jam-outs on anything in 2012, yet somehow brilliantly found a way to balance their album with some really fun, poppy, Rock & Roll.  Fun fact, I met these dudes at SXSW this year and asked the lead singer about his first SXSW experience, expecting him to gush about how great it was, etc.  Instead, he said it was pretty boring when they weren't playing because they couldn't buy booze or drink--because they were all 19 at the time.  Love it!

Alabama Shakes - Boys And Girls
Probably the most user-friendly band on this list.  Awesome blues-rock out of, you guessed it, Alabama. Think: Joplin minus the junk.

Grimes - Visions
I hesitate to call Grimes an electronic artist, but she certainly gets how the synth game works.  Her songs are beautifully layered only to be outdone by her gorgeously delicate vocals.  If you get a chance to see Grimes live, you will gain like, 9-levels of appreciation for what she does, all alone (SFWeekly named her performance at Treasure Island Music Festival this year, one of their "20 Best San Francisco Concerts of 2012").

Japandroids - Celebration Rock
The name of the album says it all.  Japandroids are the lone-guitar and drums version of musical fireworks.
Soundcloud Here.

Ok, this started to get long, so I'm going to cut this into two parts.  Part 2 next week! 

Door Guy Chronicles - 12/8/2012

If you work the door at a neighborhood bar, as opposed to a club or some trendy flavor-of-the-month bar with a gimmick, it's important to embrace your neighbors, learn the names of your regulars and build rapport with the other businesses on your block.  It is not at all important to have any sort of relationship with a wobbly-walking drunk dude from Chico in a dirty grey hoodie with a stretched out front pocket, trying to sell weed in front of the bar.  Seriously who asks the bouncer if he has a scale on him?

Thoughts:

• Lots of Euro's on the loose.  San Francisco is an international city so it's not much of a shocker to see passports and other oddly colored pieces of identification.  I saw some Italians, Germans, Irish and a Kenyan - all of the men in the respective groups, all very aware that their accents would be an asset when speaking to female patrons.  Kind of less charming when foreigners know their accents are cool sounding.
  
• A total of seven fire trucks or ambulances passed by.  Not sure if that's a lot, but I suppose it literally means at least that many people had a terrible night.
  
• Google had their holiday party up the street and a bunch of their employees came in.  All in all, pretty nice folks, it was just funny hearing guests of the Google employees mutter "I was just a plus one" as they walked in.  Haven't decided if it was a shame thing or simply trying to connect with "the little people."  Interesting either way.
  
• I'm just about the furthest you can possibly get from being a germaphobe, but seriously, I'm actually considering getting one of those hand sanitizer belt-loop things and just having that be part of who I am from now on.  So many handshakes and high fives and handling of empty pint glasses with mouth juice all over them; I feel like I need a bucket of Purell next to me like boxers have in their corner in between rounds.  Except, you know, not spit and blood.

Door Guy Chronicles - 12/1/2012

Writing or blogging about your job is tricky. It's a tightrope walk with almost no safety net and a hard ground floor of legal nightmare, job loss and possible incarceration. My lawyer lightly suggested I do not do this, but my buddy Phil was more enthusiastic, so I'm going with that until my hand is forced otherwise. The truth of the matter, however, is that I'm no new-to-town, badass sheriff with an idgaf attitude; so before I try to take this on so brazenly, I think it's important to understand that I cannot talk about everything I see and do, and that my job as a door guy at a neighborhood bar is to facilitate and integrate safety, good times and consideration for all. That's what I'm going to put on my resume at least. So this may be one of those "cooler in theory" type things, and it may take some time to flesh out. But let's just see what happens, and try to stay out of jail in the meantime.

Observations for the evening:

• Everyone says the rain sucks and hates going out when it rains, the bar reflects that. But seriously, are we supposed to just get hammered every day? Serious question man, what do people in LA do?
• Some people try to get real clever when presenting their ID's; you know, the "everyone's a comedian" syndrome. It's actually kind of endearing. Anyway, a girl showed me her ID and told me she'd pull a quarter out of my ear after three beers. She didn't.
• Some ladies from Michigan tipped me $9 in wadded up cash for hailing them a cab, thank you fancy Nob Hill hotels for setting that precedent!
• If you were born in the 80's you're not allowed to gush about being "sooooo old". Stop it.
• A woman of respectable age jokingly said she used turkey grease to moisturize her face, then whispered in my ear that she also rubbed it in an inappropriate place. Awesome.

Ok, that's all for now.

This Needs to Stop (Clay & Leavenworth)

Enough with your curb-trash. Random side table, vhs tapes or Ikea upgrades are ok - infested trash is not.